When we have lost someone or something that we love it can be very difficult.  After experiencing a loss it is normal to face all kinds of emotions such as denial, sadness, and guilt to name a few.  While these feelings can be overwhelming, they are also normal reactions to the experience of loss and grief.  Acceptance of these types of emotions as part of the normal grieving process and allowing oneself to work through this process is a necessary part of healing.  There isn’t a set method or time period for the grieving process but there are however effective and healthy ways to go about coping with loss and the pain that accompanies it. 

Defining Grief

Grief is a natural response to a loss.  It is a the emotional response that is experiences when someone  or something you have feelings for is taken away.  Grief most often comes with the  death of a loved one but any loss can cause grief, including:

• Loss of a job
• The end of a relationship
• Death of a pet
• Loss of a friendship
• Loss of health
• A miscarriage

The greater the loss, the more intense the grief.  It is important to note that subtle losses can also trigger grief.  Examples of subtle losses such as changing jobs, selling a home or moving away, graduating from high school or college, or retiring from an enjoyable career can also cause an individual to experience grief.

How We Grieve

Grieving is a very personal experience, one that is different for each individual.  There are many factors that influence how we grieve, these factors include age, life experiences, coping skills, one’s faith and religious beliefs, and the type of loss.  The grieving process is one that takes time and healing occurs at a pace appropriate to the individual; it can not be rushed or forced and there isn’t a set period of time for healing. 

The Stages of Grief

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one or a break-up.

The Five stages of grief:

• Denial:  “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

If you or someone you love are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that the reaction is natural and healing will take place over time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages and that is perfectly fine. Contrary to popular belief, an individual does not have to go through each stage in order to heal.  In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages.  It is not necessary to expect to follow a certain order or focus on what should be felt at the different stages.

Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but here is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss.  Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

In the second part of this series we will take a look at the single most important factor which contributes to the healing process: Getting Support.